Peppa ROFL

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play
with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't
go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the
janitor was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and playwith
us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religiondo
you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water.We're
not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they
just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians"


The Six Affairs

-The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months
later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to
see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliestchild he
had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could bethe father
of that child "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling aroundon me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"


The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine thedead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examinedthe
body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send youoff to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has tobe saved
for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to removethe dead
man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and tookit home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show youthat you
won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband openingthe front
door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed babyoil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move untilI tell
you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's boughtone for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when theywent to
sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went tothe
kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night He goes up to the bar and asks fora beer.

"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.The barman
replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nicejuicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir,"replies
the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?"inquires
the guy. "Four cents," he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he
doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing tohis
business."


The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly,"My
darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have somethingI must
confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything'sall
right. Go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."


The Sixth Affair

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner oneevening. He
was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wifewith
endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The couple
had been married almost 70 years and,clearly, they were still very muchin
love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I
think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife
those loving pet names".

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said,"I forgot
her name about 10 years ago."



Subject: FW: lost husband

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk?
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in
every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with
all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choosefrom."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist bra. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."



Male or Female?

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated
that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked
to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
AND Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right
buttons are pushed.
AND Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider,
it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.